not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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