once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
