Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
