So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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