just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
