he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
