Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
