Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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