I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
