One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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