On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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