Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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