You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
