Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
