You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
