Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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