I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Help. Why am I so naked?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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