well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So vagazzling was a success
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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