my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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