I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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