I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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