Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
