Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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