tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
