i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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