Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
