nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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