Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
