Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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