Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My boob is missing a layer of skin
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
