True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
