Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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