sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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