The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
