I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
