Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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