Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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