morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize