if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
