god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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