just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
