took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
