I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
