I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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