just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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