I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
