I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
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