you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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