This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
