i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
