I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
