Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
