He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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