ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
