I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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