How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
