The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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