i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
