apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
