if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Someone shattered a urinal.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
All I want is dick and wine.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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